Mirrors

I was walking through Hobby Lobby yesterday, not really paying attention to where I was going, and I suddenly found myself in an aisle that was crammed completely full of mirrors: top to bottom, wall to wall, in every shape and size. I froze. I am scared to death of my own reflection.

I have an ongoing war with mirrors. Right now, I won’t allow any mirrors at all in my room and I do my best to avoid them as much as possible, which is easier said than done considering that they are everywhere.

My reflection causes me a tremendous amount of anxiety and panic. I have enough awareness to know that what I see in the mirror is not what everyone else sees. It is not a true reflection, but rather a product of my severely distorted body image, which is a product of (and perpetual fuel for) my eating disorder. It’s like looking in a carnival fun-house mirror. Still, even with this knowledge, my eyes cannot change what my mirror shows me. And what my mirror shows me is someone who is fat, fat, fat.

It’s common for anorexics to “feel fat” even when they are very underweight. Anita Johnston writes in her book “Eating in the Light of the Moon” about the very frightening “fat attacks” that people with eating disorders experience: “Anyone who has struggled with disordered eating is familiar with fat attacks. A fat attack occurs when you all of a sudden feel extremely fat, as though you have gained twenty pounds overnight…A fat attack is different from generally feeling bad about your weight. It comes on rather suddenly and is very intense. It is not based on reality, even though the feelings that it generates are very real. It seems like the source of your misery, but…it is only a reflection of something else that is troubling you.“

I know that when I “feel fat” I am actually feeling some kind of other difficult emotion, like helplessness or anger or loneliness. But my true emotions get filtered through my eating disorder and become lost in translation, usually converted into “I feel fat.” Instead of acknowledging the true feelings and finding a solution to the real problem, my ED-filter identifies the problem as food and excess weight, and prescribes restricting food intake in order to shed that weight as the solution. Restriction is my first and most familiar line of defense against feelings.

Part of the reason people with eating disorders go to such great lengths to deny our emotions and feelings is because we tend to experience emotions with extremely deep intensity, and we use restriction or binging or purging as a way to numb ourselves and cope with these overwhelming emotions.

In a book written for families and friends of people struggling with eating disorders called “Why She Feels Fat” by Johanna Marie McShane and Tony Paulson, the authors explain how anorexics and other ED sufferers experience life: “We’ve all had moments when we think we just can’t ‘handle it’ or ‘manage one more thing.’ Most of us experience this only on occasion, but your loved one feels this way almost all the time. Life is extremely intense to her, and she isn’t at all sure she can deal with it. This is why she is driven to depend on anorexia or bulimia.”

My therapist has me carry an emotions list so that I can practice identifying my feelings throughout the day. I consult it often, especially when I “feel fat,” and I find it very helpful to be able to put a label on my emotions. It’s strange how I (and many anorexics) can be so highly attuned to the feelings of others, easily picking up on their underlying emotions regardless of whatever surface mask they are wearing, but when it comes to my own emotions I am completely clueless.

Oh, well. I keep trying and I keep practicing.