My assignment from my nutritionist this last week was to keep a food journal that tracked what I ate throughout the day and charted my corresponding emotions before and after eating. I was really upset about this assignment because food journals are huge triggers for my eating disorder. When she handed the journal sheet to me, I panicked. I tried to explain that I was afraid of keeping tabs on what I ate throughout the day because it had previously been an obsession of mine during various times in my life when my eating disorder was entirely out of control, and that it could easily turn into an obsession again. I tried to explain this, but holding the sheet in my hands caused me so much anxiety that I couldn’t get my mouth to form the right words. Instead, I kind of stammered and my eyes just filled with tears.
My nutritionist filled in the silence with her explanation of how she needed to know my eating patterns, how food affects my emotions, and so on. I really couldn’t make out what she was saying. I couldn’t focus on her words because I was very upset and trying my hardest not to cry.
When my eating disorder has been at its worst, I would religiously keep food journals and track every single calorie that went in my mouth and every single calorie that I burned from exercising. Every day I made sure that the “calories consumed” column was much, much lower than the “calories burned” column. My journal sheets were complete with mean comments I wrote to myself in the margins, like: “Pig. Fat, fat pig.” Or “You are disgusting.” Or simply, “FAIL.”
When I look back at the times in my life when I fixated on food journals, I can see that it always happened during especially rocky periods. The most recent food journal episodes took place throughout all of 2009, which was an absolutely awful year from start to finish.
It started with my mom having to undergo her third major back surgery on the lower discs in her spine. Her back surgeries always scare me a great deal, and for whatever reason, this one was more traumatic than her previous two. She was debilitated for a long while and it took her several months to build her strength once again. Also during this time, my sister split up with my brother-in-law and moved out. Now, I would have loved to not have been in the middle of a break-up, but I’m a nanny for their kids so I was right smack in the center of all that unending messy drama which was, to say the very least, excessively stressful.
During 2009, I carried two households on my back. I would start my day at 4:30 a.m. so I could walk miles on the treadmill, get ready, clean my mom’s house, then drive across town by 6:30 a.m. to take care of my niece and nephews. I would clean my brother-in-law’s house, make the older kids breakfast and get them ready and off to school, then drive back across town with my littlest nephew to take care of my mom for the day. In the afternoons, I drove back across town to pick up the older kids from school and then help them with homework and projects, make them snacks and sometimes dinner depending on how late my brother-in-law had to work. I’d take care of my mom in the evenings and review my food journal entries to decide if I had been a success or a failure for that day. I’d collapse into bed and start it all over again in the morning.
Looking back, I can see how it was my eating disorder that actually “saved” me and got me through all of that. I know that sounds strange, and if you don’t have an eating disorder it will be hard to understand, but anorexics cling to the ED for a reason. It’s a coping mechanism. It’s also a paradox because, in the end, what “saves” you will destroy you in every way: mind, body, and spirit. It starts out as a life raft in a rushing river, and when things are too painful or intense it keeps you numb and gets you through, but it eventually turns into a cement block and it will pull you hard under the water and drown all of the life out of you.
If I can figure out what situations and emotions trigger my eating disorder and send it spiraling out of control, then I will have one of the keys to my recovery. When I tighten my grip on the ED, I need to ask myself, “What emotions am I trying to numb? What am I running away from?”
I think that in 2009 especially, I was trying to numb my overwhelming feelings of abandonment, helplessness, and worthlessness. In hindsight, I think I felt trapped and completely alone. Even though I’m only an aunt and don’t have kids of my own, I nonetheless felt like an overworked single mom in many ways during that time. I also often took the brunt of everyone’s anger and frustration, and I think that brought on feelings of powerlessness.
But it didn’t matter. I was too numb at that time to feel much of anything. It didn’t matter that my heart was broken, that I was breaking. What did it matter? I was numb. I had slipped in the rushing river and my ED kept me treading water.
And then it pulled me under.
But I’m learning to swim, and I’m going to find my way to the shore.
windowlights
4 comments:
Nicole, I totally understand this, well the ED part and the not wanting to do the journal for your nutritionist. Recently I started to see a new psychologist and one of the first things she said was that she wanted me to do a food diary, but I just said no. I told her that this is very triggering for me and could turn back into my obsession with them, in the same way you explained it. I know that if I did this again, I would start to count and the numbers would start to become way more important than they should be. It is so hard sometimes to explain this to people that really don't get what this can do to us. I'm lucky that when I explained this to Cecily, she said that was fine and since then our sessions have gone really well. It is hard though to speak up when you don't want to do something because you know it's bad for you, even when the 'expert' thinks they know best. I hope you are okay and this hasn't triggered you as much as you thought it would and if it has, that you can draw back from it and try and see it from a distance, without letting yourself get drawn back into the counting and the emotions that the journals always give us.
Sarah xx
Sarah, thank you so much for understanding and sharing. It is always good to know that others can relate to this, it helps me to not feel so alone. I am so glad you were able to speak up to your nutritionist and say "no" when it was in your best interest. I admire that and this is definitely an area I am determined to work on.
Fortunately, my nutritionist modified the food journal sheet for me so that I just had to keep track of one day of eating, and I only had to write how hungry I was before I ate and after I ate and then to write any emotions I was feeling. I didn't have to write anything specific about what foods I ate, only my emotions. Still, it was a scary assignment for me, and even though I carried the sheet for this whole week, I didn't fill it out until right before it was due so that I wouldn't be tempted to make photocopies of it.
It's been really difficult this week and there has been a war going on in my head between my ED and me, but I am proud of myself for resisting the urge to get back into that awful food journal obsession again. It was a small victory for me against the ED, but it was a victory nonetheless :)
Thank you for your comment and the support :)
I'm glad to hear that she modified it for you. I had to keep the same type of journal at Renfrew about my emotions before, during, and after eating. It is a very tough assignment for someone who already has trouble labeling emotions, but I can see why it is important. Knowing what triggers you is a very big deal when it comes to beating the ED. I'm so proud of you Sending all my love<3
Thank you so much, Angie, I really appreciate that and I am so proud of you too. You helped me so much--more than you will ever know--through the year and I don't know what I would do without you. You were definitely my brightest light in all of that darkness, and I am so grateful for you <3<3<3
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